Nightmares
by narnija
Summary: She has had them for as long as she can remember. No, scratch that - she is actually quite sure that she has had them for even longer than that, because hey, wouldn't that fit perfectly with her screwed up fate?


hey guys! this is my first real attempt at writing for Once upon a Time, so please be gentle ;) no, honestly, every form of review would be very much appreciated. obviously I do not own the show or the characters - I just borrow them :)

this One-shot is obviously very Regina centered. I absolutely love her on the show so I couldn't help myself, but Henry, Daniel and of course Robin are also mentioned.

**She has had them for as long as she can remember. No, scratch that - She is actually quite sure that she has had them for even longer than that, because hey, wouldn't that fit perfectly with her screwed up fate?**

But what she knows is the sleepless nights spend as a child, alone, in a room that gives the illusion of perfection and yet is way to big and cold for her. There are toys there, but if they are not in their place, her mother gets mad. There are toys there, but if she laughs to often, or to loud, or an octave to high, then her mother tells her to be quiet. She remembers the way endless sadness seemed to eat itself into her heart, because she knew. She knew that there were other children out there who where terrorized by nightmares, but they hide in the loving embrace of their family. And she? She was not even allowed to have a candle lit to chase the darkness away. She remembers the one time she tried to find solace with her mother - needless to say it did not end well. Didn't she know that her mother needed her rest?

With most of them she does not even remember what they are about. But what she remembers is the feeling, the feeling of utter despair that she was always left up with when she awoke. And that was nearly worse than actually knowing what she had been dreaming about, because it always was out of grasp. She could never quite reach her fears, never knew what to tell herself to make the morning come faster. It made the fear seem infinite, without a way out. So the little dark haired girl decided to fight against the heaviness that settled behind her eyelids when the sun went down. Not that anyone would notice. She spend an sheer endless number of nights just staring at the ceiling, her heart beating faster and faster in her tiny chest and she could nearly feel the darkness sneaking up on her. Creeping out from under the bed, making the shadows in her room grow larger, deforming the well-known shapes.

It seemed to take forever, that phase of her life. But she got used to it, because really, what choice did she ever have? All it taught her was that she had to stay in control, because as soon as she let it slip darkness tightened its grip on her before it had even tasted a bit of her heart. Long, long before that. Maybe what the fairies had thought had been right after all. Maybe she really had been destined to fall on the path that send her to become who she was today. evil. Maybe it really had been enough to have had the misfortune of being born as the daughter of the queen of hearts.

She of course had told her father. Looked at him with big, pleading eyes and begged for him to be the man that could solve everything. begged for him to truly be her father. But he had just petted her head softly, had matted her wild curls, and told her she would grow out of it. That was the first time she realized, that she was on her own because she saw it, she saw the want to help her, but she never felt its actions. Her father was weak. that fact had never lessened her love for him, because you cannot help it, you are just born as who you are and while he had been born weak, and soft, she had been born cursed.

As the young girl grew into a beautiful young lady, she had accepted her fate. Weary years of life had taught her at least one thing; and that was you just cannot change some things. You can always try of course, but there will always be some thing that will not bend to your will. You cannot change fate, simple as that. And she did have other things on her mind - more specifically her mother. She had finally come to an age appropriate for marriage. Or at least that was what the unwritten rules of society seemed to say, because she did not feel ready. Not at all actually. She would not have looked twice at the men now sending her lustful glances, would not have given them a second thought. But now she was forced to, even though they simply did not fit to her. They did not fit to her ideal of life, did not share one simple dream of hers. She had tried talking to her mother about it, but really, what had she been expecting? Wishful fantasies, that was what she had called her own daughters thoughts. She knew what was best for her, even if she did not know it herself yet. Maybe it had always been more fitting to say that was Cora knew best was what was best for herself.

The nightmares had started to take shape then, but the feeling stayed the same. Only now it was a different man, a different face each night, a different touch each night that made her feel the well-known dread. The fear. She had talked to her mother about it. Didn't even know why she had bothered though. She would grow out of it soon enough, she had said. It was just nerves expressing themselves, they would settle.

And then there was Daniel. Sweet, innocent Daniel who had the power to make her laugh with even the silliest comment. Who could chase away the darkness that had threatened to overwhelm her since her birth with one simple smile. She knew her mother would never approve. And she certainly knew what cora did with obstacles - she removed them. Daniel had never been given the chance to become a fixture in her life, but he would always have a part of her heart. Always. Her first love; something so pure and innocent that it even made her nights more tolerable. The dreams did not disappear, but he could take away their shadow, their hold over, her during the day. He made her feel like maybe she had not been cursed after all. Maybe there was hope for her after all.

Needless to say the nightmares returned in full force after his death. She took it as a sign of fate laughing at her. showing her what she could have, but always having it a bit out of her reach, even if just so. It was not the first time nor would it be the last time that the thought occurred to her that maybe some people were simply not meant to have happy endings.

She was not surprised when darkness finally laid its claim on her. Sure, she had aspired to be different from her mother. And she was. She never had had a choice, never had had a say in the matter. It had never been the question if darkness would take over, it had just been a question of when it would happen. Now darkness finally had been victorious, but of course it had not been the end. No, that would have been to simply for her.

It had been scary how natural it all had felt for her after a while. After her first threat, the first kill. It still scares her how a perfectly nice girl could turn into the evil queen in the blink of an eye - but then again she guessed she had always known the answer. The girl had always just hidden what was inside of her and all it had taken to show the world was a ruthless mother, a cold hearted teacher, a blue eyed girl and a love lost.

She strove on the feeling, and that was probably why she did not feel any remorse for her horrible deeds many years later. She loved the feeling of power, she loved she fear she installed in her people. Darkness no longer had to ask, she now gave every part of herself willingly. Her revenge on the girl thad had taken away the last straw she had been grasping onto grew into everything she had. It was what got her up in the morning, and what she thought of when she fell asleep at night.

What no one else knew was that she still could not sleep peacefully. No one ever was allowed to know, because it would show weakness and most people would probably say something about how fitting it was. Did not everyone always ask how people like her slept at night? Maybe the answer was simply that they did not.

There was a tiny part of her that had hoped that everything would change once she'd get to Storybrooke. New realm, new chance or something like that. Of course it had been silly, a small voice in the back of her head had always known that it was silly. She still could not rest at night, and what had supposed to have been her victory suddenly did not make her feel victorious at all. She simply felt empty. Henry had been supposed to change that, and he did. He made her feel endlessly frustrated at first, nearly willing to give up. nearly. but he also gave her a good reason to keep fighting, to really keep living and that was something that she did not have in a long time, if ever. She endured every one of his tantrums, cured his every ill and soothed all of his nightmares and it made her feel ... good. or at least close to good. It was as if daniel had returned to her, because in some strange way, he made her feel the same (but different of course). He gave her stability, he gave her something to hold onto. He was her grasp on sanity. The nightmares were still there, but he would never know about them. She had made it her number one goal to shield him from everything bad, everything dark and if was the only thing she would ever achieve in her life, than that would be enough (how ironic that she would even fail in that task. Multiple times.)

Then came Robin and the nightmares suddenly stopped. She did not know why, could first see absolutely no link between the forest-smelling thief and her stopped torture, but now she could. Everything was more clear once it had become your past.

They did not even have to get along - even in the Enchanted Forest, where they first practically despised each other she could settle at night, and she could not explain it. The dreams were nothing that came with time, nothing directly connected to her behavior as queen. She had been born with it, had been cursed with it, so she thought at least. But there he was, that impossible man with his dimples, his oh so understanding eyes that had driven her crazy at first, and that impossibly cute son of his. And he mended her, tended to wounds and scars even she had nearly forgotten about. She could finally, finally sleep and in his arms even dream. True love really seemed to be able to break every curse, even the one called her life.

The night after Marian had returned she woke up screaming.


End file.
